Drives Like Crazy
by Arctic Banana
Summary: If Shepard's driving doesn't kill you, the stress-induced heart attacks will.


_We recently went on a camping trip and got trapped in the tent during a heavy rainstorm. My little sister and I passed the time by playing that fanfic drabble game where you shuffle your music playlist and write a drabble based on whatever song you got. I rather liked this one, so I completed it after the game was over and decided to post it._

 _The song was "She Drives Like Crazy" by Weird Al Yankovic, by the way._

* * *

"Shepard, what are you thinking?" There was no response from the pilot seat, which worried Garrus more and more as the minutes waned onwards. He quickly double checked his seatbelt to make sure it was buckled in properly when he realized that he recognized the look on his face. "You don't seriously think that..."

"I think we can jump that," Shepard finished his sentence confidently.

"No! Bad, Shepard!" Garrus said as he scolded him like a dog that had just peed on the carpet. "We are not jumping that!"

Shepard continued to act like Garrus was in another dimension where he could be neither seen nor heard. "What do you think, Wrex?" he asked the krogan in the backseat.

"Floor it!" Wrex said excitedly.

"That's exactly what I was thinking," Shepard replied.

"Shepard, I don't think we can make that!" Garrus panicked as the Mako made a U-turn and headed for a ledge that they could use as a ramp.

"Maybe if you jump at the right moment, we can stay airborne longer!" Wrex suggested.

"No! This is a very bad idea!" Garrus shook his head.

"I'm sorry Wrex, I can't hear anything you're saying over the sound of my copilot whining like a volus who can't reach the top shelf of the pantry," Shepard replied.

"Let me out! I can walk the rest of the way from here!" the turian pleaded.

"You can walk the rest of the way back to the Normandy?" Shepard asked skeptically.

"Given the alternative who thinks speed limits are suggestions and yellow lights are a personal challenge, yes. I will walk from here!" Garrus nodded.

A static laden voice was heard over the Mako's intercom, the transmission slightly garbled by the nearby planet's strong magnetic field. _"Are you guys okay? Our monitor is showing that Garrus' vital signs are spiking,"_ Liara asked with concern.

Before Shepard could formulate a response, Garrus quickly flipped the com on and responded, "Someone come save me before he finds the thrusters!"

Shepard lit up like a Christmas tree and started looking underneath the holographic interface in front of him. "This thing has a thruster?"

"Yeah, you just hit that button there!" Wrex replied, pointing out a neon green, glowing button that was off to the side.

"Oh, I always wondered what that button does!" Shepard squeed excitedly.

Before Garrus had a chance to even try to escape from the vehicle, he felt the Mako exhilarate and grabbed onto whatever he could find as the view of the ledge's edge rapidly neared at a cheetah's pace on the console screen.

The Mako flew off the ledge at a breakneck speed and the vehicle flung forward from the momentum like a beautiful metal bird. "Put your hands in the air!" Wrex shouted excitedly from the backseat while Garrus screamed like a little girl.

When the Mako landed on the other side of the chasm, it landed on the three, left most tires and flipped over onto its roof, skidding across the rocky and carbonaceous moon's surface for several feet before striking a large rock, which caused it to once more go airborne, do a barrel roll, land on its side, and tumble down a hill. When it finally stopped moving, it fell upright and bounced lightly on all six tires.

"Okay, hands up, did anyone die?" Shepard asked calmly once the Mako had ceased to bounce.

"That was awesome! Do it again!" Wrex shouted excitedly.

They barely had a chance to pull their helmets on and cycle the oxygen before Garrus hit every button on the console with shaky hands until he found the one that released the latch on the door, undid his seatbelt, and lept out like a majestic hanar breaching the waves of Kahje.

"Land!" he shouted before hugging the nearest rock and clinging to it like he'd never seen a rock before in his life.

"I don't know what he's complaining about," Shepard stated. "That was probably one of my better landings."

"Hey, look on the plus side, Garrus!" Wrex shouted at the nerve-stricken turian. "At least the engine's no longer on fire!"

"...you're sure about that?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, it's supposed to smoke like that," Wrex replied as pillars of black, chemical scented smoke continued to pour out of the front of the vehicle.


End file.
